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Monday, December 22, 2008

A Festivus for the Rest of Us

Merry Christmas! Or "Happy Christmas" as my wonderful Irish neighbor says. I've just offended a small grumpy percentage of you that consider yourselves progressive intellectuals. More precisely, I've probably only offended you by possibly offending some nebulous other group, which is really even more comical. Now get up and dust yourselves off so we can start.

"There had to be another way!"
This year, the normal Christmas activities are pretty much out the window for the House of Comodoro. The wheels have officially come off. Instead of shopping for inane gifts, fighting like children for parking spaces down at Highland Village, or visiting the emergency room after accidents related to Griswoldy lighting, we were moving. Yeppers, there's nothing that says Christmas like bleaching out your refrigerator and putting in shelf-liner.

"I find tinsel distracting."
So we've gone kinda Festivus. Just making the holiday up as we go. We have a few nice rituals, starting with the The Scattered Boxes. And there's the Cursing of the Previous Movers. And the Screeching Baby Singalong (It sounds exactly like this). And most important of all, don't forget the Naked Christmas Tree. Ornaments? Ornaments?! We don't need no steenking ornaments!

The Airing of the Grievances
You should know, I'm hurt. The skipper is both disappointed and furious. NO QUESTIONS from our illustrious readers. Fine. Be that way. Not even any comments. Great horny toads, you people are a tough crowd. You're splashing for a lashing, is all I can say. Be ye warned!

And now, The Feats of Strength!
I've been instructed to tell you that Captain Jack was such a good, sweet little baby on move day. He napped off and on all day long below decks of Home Port 2.0, letting the crew go about their many labors. He also looked great in his new Christmas outfit at church, and visited El Tiempo to show it off. The Cap'n even got outfitted with a new reindeer touque when we were out shopping in the friz-eez-zin' cold yesterday. Seriously, it was actually good and cold. Windy, too. Don't hassle me, you northern-climes types.

I ran across some interesting factoids in a Men's Health magazine survey. By the by, that's one heckuva magazine for the average male. Need a shoulder-friendly gym exercise? Want to improve your slap shot (one of my favorites)? Which tie goes with what shirt? The best thing to eat for breakfast? What to get your lady for her birthday? Thou shalt be enlightened. Oh yeah, the survey. Behold:
If you have children, have they brought you more joy or less joy than you had expected?
71% More joy
7% Less joy (Ouch.)
22% About what I expected

Is having children more or less work than you expected?
57% More work
9% Less work (Either very pessimistic folks or bad parents)
34% About what I expected

How has having children affected your marriage?
46% Improved it
18% Worsened it (Colic?)
36% No change (Complete liars or the downright unobservant)
-Men's Health, January/February 2009 (emphasis and snarky parentheticals added)
I'm still hung up on the "Less joy" crowd. What did these people expect? Levitation?!

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