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Monday, December 8, 2008

Up Against the Wall Stay-At-Home Mother

Captain Jack must be listening to too much Jerry Jeff Walker and/or Ray Wylie Hubbard (and probably other dudes with three handles) in his cabin. He commanded the Order of the Day to be an ill-conceived, constrained writing tribute to his hard working momma, Her Majesty, who's imperial...ish...ness is, uh, way cool. I should note here that writer's block has struck the crew with force. I digress.

So in the interest of bad writing, I think it's time to introduce the dreaded acrostic to CJMP. Used by the talent-impaired for millennia, it was just a matter of time before yours truly had to stoop to this level. I know, I'll be dumber in the execution, and you'll be dumber in the reading, but I'm working with wet powder here, and the grim knowledge that no one besides one Ryan Gentry, Esq. will appreciate this.
ATTENTION ALL HANDS: THE FOLLOWING IS A TRIBUTE TO MY LOVELY MOTHER, NURSEMAID, CAREGIVER AND CONSTANT SLAVE. LISTEN UP OR FACE THE LASH!
H is for Heroine. Daddy slipped me a piece of eight to throw in this one.
E is for "Ewww!" when I plaster spit up all over Mommy.
R is for Rigging. I'm four months old, cut me a break.
M is for Milk. Or Mommy. Nah, I'm sticking with Milk.
A is for Mommy's Arms that I pretty much try to injure and fatigue 24 hours a day.
J stands for Jolly Roger and Jack Needs Changing.
E is for Egregious Stay-At-Home-Mom Work Schedule.
S is for Stressed out mommy.
T is for T-Bird. Uncle Ryan, you're welcome.
Y is for Yellow, the wonderful color of spit up...
BACK TO YOUR SWABBING, ETC. THAT IS ALL. -J.M.W., CAPT.
Aw, sing it for Mama! That's funny, now I can't seem to remember my way home from the cinnabar mines. Hmmm.

In local news, Jack is using his hands to grasp just about any item possible, and then pulling said items into his mouth a'la the Death Star. He refuses to nap on weekdays, poring over charts and taking sights with the sextant, quite grumpy as he fritters away the time finding north on the compass. Again. On weekends, however, the skipper can be persuaded by a certain member of the crew to nap all the time, not just on the night watch. And in between barking orders as to the way the sails should be set to his satisfaction, he will on occasion join the crew in a round of Christmas carols. Really. It's hilarious.

Well, look on the bright side. There's nowhere for this blog to go but up, now. I hope.

4 comments:

Jeremy T. Butt said...

Dude, you are hilarious! I'm just sorry we don't live closer to each other than we do. I'm so happy for you, Mel and Jack. Let the good times roll. By the way, check out my blog at jeremytbutt.blogspot.com

El Comodoro said...

Hey JTB! I'm sorry to hear that you've been seduced by the Dark Side and have started blogging. Heaven help us all! Hope y'all are doing well up there and have a happy Christmas!
PPP

Uncle Ryan said...

nicely done sir. Glad to see that Mel is fully experiencing ALL of the wonderful experiences that are experienced during the wonderful experience of raising kiddos!

Seriously, you guys need to turn up the "6X9 Speakers" drive "A Straighter Line" over to "Little Rock" with a little "Copenhagen" in your lip. If you cant make it that far, maybe take that "Devil Woman" over for a "Bandera Waltz" or maybe meet some "Good Friends" up "I-35" at my "House and 90 Acres" so Cap'n Jack can meet our new "Long-Haired, Tattooed Hippie Freak". If you cant make it, "My Only Prayer" is that we "See You In the Next Life". Just remember in the "Wide Afternoon", we are "All in this Together" and we are "Travellin Lite". "The Road Goes on Forever" and "Thunderbird Will Do Just Fine". I'll see you in the "Rivertown" or "Probably Corsicana". Lastly, tell everyone "Merry Christmas from the Family" and "If I Could Only Fly" with the young'uns, we'd go get "Drunk in Mexico". That my friend would be a "Dreadful Selfish Crime". Always "Be True to Yourself" Morgan...

El Comodoro said...

Nicely done, yourself! WOW. My hat is off to Uncle Ryan and his greatness. I'm speechless. Wow. You're going to go far, young man.