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Sunday, February 1, 2009

Frost/Jack

If you didn't see the bookwormy mid-week post, go check that out here, if only to get your money's worth.
A shocking and unexpected development here at CJMP over the weekend: Our crack reporting staff has uncovered the transcript of an interview conducted in early 2009 between David Frost and our very own Captain Jack. Evidently the 1977 Nixon interviews were just a warmup for bigger and better things. I present the few pages we found to you raw and unedited:
FROST: Hello, good evening, and welcome.
(APPLAUSE)
JACK: Who are you talking to? It's just us and the tape recorder. And, um, thanks, glad to be here. And it's morning. And where's that applause coming from?
FROST: Why didn't you burn the tapes?
JACK: I'm sorry?
FROST: Ah, I must have switched notes... apologies, Captain. What do you think of life so far? You're frankly very new at it.
JACK: It's not bad, and I've been fairly pleased with my brief experience here. There's not much to do but sleep, and eat, and play a bit. And I think the help could be better. But as I can't walk yet, I'll have to make do till then.
FROST: You mean your parents?
JACK: Yes. They're certainly nice, but the food lately has been really suspect, and I just don't know really what their qualifications are. What experience...
FROST: To be raising...
JACK: Right--In raising me, and again, the food--making the food choices. I can't believe I got the standard milk and yellow squash of all things last week and puréed carrots yesterday. It's just odd. I'd like a nice steak au poivre or something similar. Let me be clear, at least the sugar content of the carrots was higher than the squash, which was nice. Oh, there's talk aboard ship of developing a new line of cosmetics targeted specifically at privateers like myself, since after I rubbed the carrots all over my face and arms...
FROST: But Captain, it's been argued very strongly in the press of late that you only have one tooth, and therefore meat would be out of the...
JACK: ...and on my clothes...
FROST: But the tooth, Captain...
JACK: It's an individual rights issue, isn't it? If I can't enjoy self-determination here then perhaps this isn't the place for me. I don't question your dinner...
FROST: You're six months old!
JACK: Not seeing your point, David.
FROST: (Shaking head) All right then, what have you been occupying yourself with lately? You've virtually shut out most of the press by revoking the majority of press passes on board your vessel.
JACK: Right. Well, the crew was getting distracted by the wall-to-wall interview schedule, and I found some ninny from The Sun using my glass to spy on the Jolie-Pitt yacht that was moored next to us at Marseilles. That was really the last straw. But to your question, I have found time to relax with my old Dad. We watched the Superbowl XLIII cliffhanger yesterday with the new satellite dish we installed at Home Port 2.0. Re-installed, rather.
FROST: So you enjoy sport, do you?
JACK: Sports. What's with you people dropping of the "s" on that word? And yes, I've been known to watch a down or two of football or a bit of hockey, when the schedule permits.
FROST: Ah, soccer as you Americans call it. And you mentioned your schedule?
JACK: No, American football, with helmets and... it's like rugby but without the... nevermind. And yes, my nap schedule occasionally gets in the way of things. But not often!
FROST: I notice you haven't mentioned your illustrious mother.
JACK: Oh, her? I've about ground that woman into a fine powder. She waits on me hand and foot. Sometimes, I'll refuse to nap, and make absolutely sure she can't rest, and just when I think she's getting to the end of her rope...
FROST: Yes? Please go on, Captain.
JACK: It's a bit embarrassing, but I wait until she's just about had it, and... well, I spit up right down her shirt.
FROST: That's horrible. Some might even say evil. And you do this deliberately?
JACK: Well, yes. I mean, it's all in good fun, isn't it? And it's certainly more entertaining than plastering old dad's shirt, because he'll just spend the rest of the evening 25 feet away from me--well out of my range.
FROST: Captain, so you're saying that in a sense there are certain situations, and spitting up is one of them, where the Captain can decide that it's in the best interests of the crew, and do something evil.
JACK: You're misinterpreting the...
FROST: Am I? If...
JACK: Well, I'm saying that when the Captain does it, that means that it is not evil. It's cute.
(END OF TRANSCRIPT)

2 comments:

Paula said...

oh, jack. he's a funny guy! how much is he getting paid for interviews and public appearances these days? or is that not appropriate to ask?

El Comodoro said...

Well, Nixon got 600,000 clams, if I remember correctly. Jack got a new rattle, $0.06USD, some shiny glass trade beads, and a conditional 10th-round pick in the 2047 NBA Draft.

But he's definitely affordable.