Monday, April 20, 2009

A Tale Told by an Idiot

Faulkner's* take on my last 12 hours, because it's just that kind of day:
Hit hit hit hit pounding in my head hit hit hit hit one eye's gone blind thinking of stealing baby's Oragel for the hole in the roof of my mouth chip maybe? granola probably but hurts nonetheless arm numb pop old Rx from torn hammy soaking in a painfully hot tub for to fix my back muscles they might be angry holding baby through all of spicy crawfish boil hit hit hit bark stupid dog now a crying baby hit hit hit.
*I chose Faulkner because I can't lay hold of enough expletives to realistically lay some fake James Joyce on You People.

So you might have gathered that today I'm swimming through the lovely soup of malevolent brainwaves that is the migraine headache. Goes without saying, but bear with your correspondent, as he's having major trouble doing stuff today. Like tying shoes. Like making offshore financial statements down at the cinnabar mines. Like remembering which IT desk to call for what. I need a clone. Immediately. Lemme clarify: I need a clear-thinking, ruthless clone. Immediately.

The crew had themselves one very tolerable weekend, for sure, and hope you did the same. It didn't start out that way. We braved the excessively soggy tempest at Home Port 2.o! The streets turned to Diet Dr. Pepper-can-floating rivers of ickyness! Noah floated by the house heading west. We talked over the possibility of hitching a ride, but talks broke down when it was discovered that I don't have 2 of everything. I have, in fact, one of everything: 1 ne'er-do-well, mischievous English Setter, 1 beautiful and patient Her Majesty, 1 illustrious Captain, and 1 of well, me. So no luck there. We managed anyway.

As it often does, the weather cleared off suddenly and by Sunday afternoon it was a superior day in Port of Houston. Our Church Class had a crawfish boil about four o'clockish where the mudbugs were VERY capably prepared (attaboys for Justin and Ben). I have deep respect for the kind of work those dudes did over the open flames. The grub was fantastic. Have you ever witnessed 80 lbs. (that's EIGHTY pounds) of crawfish? No? OK, you have not lived. There, I said it.

I had to work pretty hard at peeling enough of the little goobers to feed myself AND Her Majesty. H.M. eats 'em. However, H.M. doesn't peel 'em, a distinction that ends up being problematic for the Help (that's me). Terribly unfair? Sure it is. And that, folks, is what 2nd Class Citizenry is all about. My hands go blurry as they're clocked peeling at 39,607 TPM (tails per minute).

So all in all, it was a nice visit with Our People (and Our Dinner) over there. Jack soaked up all the sights and sounds, and came very near to soaking up some of the cayenne pepper in his little eyes, which wouldn't have gone over well, I'm thinking. He also came very near to making his old dad wear an eyepatch when he beat my retina into submission with a dangerous-looking rattle (the skipper prefers the term blackjack). LOTS of pulling up this week, lots of crawling, lots of talking, yada yada yada. I mean, na-na da-da ma-ma.


Jennifer said...

I have to say, I HATE Faulkner, but that was the BEST channeling of Faulkner I have ever heard. Schools should ban all Faulkner as it does more harm than good. How can people learn from that? (I sneak peeks at your entertaining blog from Courtney Devine's. I really enjoy your writing.)

El Comodoro said...

HATE Faulkner?! BAN Faulkner?! You are certainly tough on the Bard of Oxford. The Sound and the Fury is a chore to read, there's no question. But his having constructed that novel is an accomplishment. It would be like at least appreciating the craftsmanship of an intricate (but ugly) old house.

But I think my first (and still favorite) of his was "A Rose for Emily." The strangeness of the South that he writes about is so familiar to me that it gives me the jim jams! That's what brings me back.

Anonymous said...

Ah, yes, Faulkner....he speaks of things not ascertainable. And the dreaded migrain?? Get thee to a accupuncturist!!Loved the Barf Vader tee!!