Monday, May 18, 2009


1: the condition or state of being babyproof.
2: a sudden, expensive condition in which every item in the world is revealed to be an agent of certain death to one's children.
3: a regime of annoying plastic devices that exposes the true nature of bumbling, unintelligent adults.

Home Port 2.0 is now (mostly) safe. I didn't know the crew was on the verge of horrible disaster at any moment, but oh, we were. I had complete access to drawers with knives in them, stairs, prescription drugs, the old bottle of grog, and the gunpowder stores, to name a few catastrophes-in-wait. All these things are now safely secured from the crew's sweaty little hands by small plastic gadgets. And I mean everything. To turn on the faucet in the galley, it takes 8 deckhands, a pair of needle-nosed pliers, 2 rolls of electrical tape, and a yo-yo. You should see how we turn it off. I think it's actually possible that I could be trapped inside my own home and starve to death. It's like the Rime of the Ancient Mariner: Cheerios, cheerios everywhere, but nor an "O" to eat... Anyway it goes something like that.

Confession: I threw in the towel and had someone else do the 'proofing for me. Because I'm totally a poser. And a poser that wanted plausible deniability.

The ship's DVD player and phonograph are now protected by age-appropriate retinal scans and thumbprints. Every 15 feet there's a child gate with a combination lock. First Mate Belle is hooked into an Elizabethan collar and has a twisty tie around her schnozz. Her Majesty's crown is now bubble-wrapped and looks quite silly. The scepter didn't even make the cut, and got tossed along with the bazooka, concertina wire, phosphorous grenades, exploding grape-shot, bag 'o glass, hydrochloric acid and the box of rusty nails. They didn't really take anything from your correspondent personally, since I'm about as dangerous as overcooked pasta. So I'll just sit around here and try to figure out how to get the childproof lock working on that carton of OJ.


Anonymous said...

I wish I had known about 'plausible deniability' years ago when it would have mattered!! Sounds like Captain Jack will have to work real hard to get hurt!

El Comodoro said...

Well, you just never know when it'll come in handy. Reagan used it masterfully during Iran-Contra.