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Monday, September 21, 2009

Violation of Rink Policy

I haven't set foot... er, skate on an ice rink since February, when during a hockey game, a 260 lb. thug decided to earhole me into November 2027. In the 13 minutes it took for my head to roll back to my body, a thought occurred to me.
I've got to quit this nonsense.
And I did. But Saturday, thanks to my great neighbor/enabler, Bob, I was back on the rink, if only for a light skate. With no thugs. Or out-of-body experiences.

And the Captain did his first turn on the ice with old dad! People, it was great. The cold breeze in our faces, gliding along effortlessly, with the red and blue stripes falling behind us. I cherished all 3 seconds of it.

SIRPUTTHECHILDDOWN! THECHILDMUSTBEONTHEICE! PUTTHECHILDDOWNNOW! SIR! IMMEDIATELY! ONTHEICE! PUTTHECHILDDOWN! NOW!
It's really a great way to end a beautiful memory, isn't it? I thought so, too. The more-latitude-than-longitude, frizzy haired skateguard Cindy Lauper trampled that moment to death. Y'know, for about a millisecond, I thought, "We can outrun this gal for at least 20 minutes while they get the guys with tasers, right?"

Oooooooh, we are CRIMINAL!

Yes, OK, it was slightly risky. Slightly. No, I probably shouldn't have done it. Did I think the lady allowing sugar-high kids to play full contact ice-rugby would go all Nurse Ratched on me? Nah. But it makes sense.

Interpersonal inhibitions go to zero when there are children involved. Yelling, screaming, ordering, rudeness, anything's acceptable. There's a kid screaming in Wal-Mart? Threaten mom, or worse. Think someone's environmentally "irresponsible" by having lots of kids? Call them a "breeder" and give them an earful about carbon. See a pregnant lady at the pharmacy with a herd of little ones? Give her the hard time she so richly deserves. Tell her about this thing called birth control. Have we lost all our civility? Our couth?

Guess I should have told Ms. Lauper (and her whistle) I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody. That's couth, right?

Condensing some other news of our great and illustrious Captain of men:
1. Outfitted Jack for football season with Cowboys and Crimson Tide t-shirts
2. Outfitted Jack for hockey season with Dallas Stars t-shirt (MODANO on the back)
3. Jack's looking around the house calling "Beh!" for Belle. Even at church. Fruitlessly explained that FMB doesn't "do" church.
4. Hit REI for a no-fooling-around backpack baby carrier. Think elephant harness, here.
5. What is WITH Tony Romo?
Gotta run. Adios, amigo.

9 comments:

Jennifer Reinsch said...

That's too funny. We'll watch for you guys on the news when you and Jack get dragged into a police station for outrunning the skating rink person.

El Comodoro said...

Thanks, Jennifer. It's a long-standing tradition of ours to always take bail money to the rink.

You just never know.

vicki richardson said...

wow. Long horns and Crimson Tide. It'll never be seen in the BCS???? Anyway, I'm sure he loved the foreign cold air blowing in his face at the rink. And don't forget the bail money!!

Mike said...

I'm liking the "outfitting." To that point, I recently promised my wife NOT to purchase any of my beloved but hapless Detroit Lions gear for Zoe until said Lions actually end up with more points than their opponent in an NFL regular season contest.

El Comodoro said...

Ah, Mike, that shouldn't take more than a season or two, right?

I don't think we play Detroit this year, or I'd offer you Romo's emerging "Passes are the New Punts" strategy.

So I'd probably go ahead and order the Red Wings gear.

M.Modano said...

attaboy Morgan. raise that son up right. ya know if is never too early to teach the fine art of hockey fighting! I hear you have this killer finishing move where you actually complete a flip and slash your opponents face with your skate. If I was still young and spry, I might try that one. Ya know that hip of mine is bothering me again. Must be another monsoon settling in up here in N. Texas. Gimme a call next time you are up this way. If I am in town, I'd love to host you and that fine boy of yours at my personal practice rink in the back yard of my palatial estate and maybe even have you out to see me tear up the new young guys in the league.

Board checks, slap shots, and power plays,

Your ol pal,
The Great M Modano

El Comodoro said...

Ladies and Gentlemen, a future NHL Hall of Famer is in our midst! Let's welcome Mr. Michael Thomas Modano, Jr., the all-time American goals & points leader!

Mike, I'm truly honored. Jack sends hugs and kisses.

Donna said...

GREAT post! And let me say our boy has his dad's old Dallas cowboys helmet and LOVES the Cowboys anytime they are on TV (and he's not even aware of the ladies that bring "cheer" at that venue). And I can picture your ice nazi so well- I mean, shouldn't people who work on ice "chill" out?

El Comodoro said...

Donna, I applaud your BRUTAL pun. I congratulate you, ma'am.