Monday, November 2, 2009

Smashing Pumpkins

The World is a Vampire
I picked up an ague this weekend and was stranded belowdecks watching The Silence of the Lambs and Night of the Living Dead. Between Snuggie and Seat Strap adverts, there was one that featured a "celebrity" telling of her baby's conversation with a "spirit" while in her crib. Which is, I'm 99.9998% certain, a bunch of hooey*.

But spirits aside, darn it if I'm not absolutely convinced of toddlers' supernatural knowledge of electronics. The phenomenon to date:

1. Toddlers know whether electronics work or not. Old remotes or phones given as toys are NOT as fun as the real things, which are coveted, stolen, and end up in the Coffee Table Drawer Viking Hoard for safe keeping.
2. Toddlers can resurrect non- functioning electronics, to wit, my car clicker (essentially an abacus with cuneiform markings). I can stand 2 feet from the car, threatening it with violence, angrily clicking like mad, with no result. Jack grabs my keys yesterday, and in the detached garage, 75 feet away, my trunk opens.
3. A complex series of locks and menus, thought to be childproof, is no match for the ingenuity (or plain dumb luck) of the toddler. This weekend, in full view of my visiting family, Jack grabs the remote and buys ON-DEMAND P0RN. Yes, you read that right. Excerpts from that conversation:
H.M.: Morgan! Jack just bought a movie!
(the movie ah, flashes, on the screen behind me)
E.C.: Really?! You're kidding. Well, are we watching something good?
Uncle Carrol: Oh, it looked pretty good...
Tell Me I'm the Only One!
We took the JACK-o-lantern (it's a costume and a pun!) on a brief trickertreatn' tour of the neighborhood on Halloween. Mosquitoes the size of hummingbirds cut the night a little short, I'm sorry to say.

I've posted some pics from the Trunk or Treat, as described on last week's post. Note the wagon fully loaded with incredulous-looking Jacks in (identical) Halloween garb. As with their names, the matching costumes weren't planned. Which really ramps up the comedy even more, I think.

Despite All My Rage, I'm Still Just a [Dad] in a Cage
It's the little things that make a neighborhood great. And it's also the culmination of little things that can irreparably sour one. So, to the blurry little thug that kicked in my PERFECTLY carved pumpkin, I hope you thanked God yesterday in Mass that my IR cam couldn't ID you properly. I can only hope (wrongly, I know) that you choked on your ill-deserved candy. Someday, when you're sitting in County, staring down the barrel of an aggravated assault rap, you'll look back and know this moment was where you began to go terribly wrong. (Around here, y'know, we'd just lash you to the mast and let the gulls pick at you for a week. Problem solved.)

A pox upon you and your house, you little slimeball.

* Sorry for shocking some of you. Don't even ask me about Santa Claus or where veal comes from. I now pronounce you a Grown Up.

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Jennifer said...

I totally get the smashed in pumpkin thing. A few years ago someone slashed open our inflatable Winnie the Pooh Pirate and Tigger Vampires. Not only was I mad as a hornet, but my kids were in tears!

Anonymous said...

I think we all can come up with a smashed pumpkin story or two! It is very aggravating and totally unnecessary, there is plenty to do on Halloween that is actually fun and non-destructive. Anyway, sounds like Jack had a royal time whereever he went!Wow, he bought a PORN movie??!!I'll bet that went over happily with the visiting relatives!

Jennifer Reinsch said...

I am still on the floor laughing at the "Jack buying porn" incident. Seriously, too too funny. Since he seems to be a pro, though, I might see if he can come over and fix my DVD player.

Lisa said...

Aren't you a little worried about what the people that work at Dish Network are going to think about you when they see that fine feature on the bill??

El Comodoro said...

Well, two things to consider here. Sad to say, but I am absolutely certain that DirecTV has seen worse. Much worse. Second, my TV provider is pretty far down on the list of people to impress, right after Cotton Candy Vendor and Hipster in the SBUX Line.

I was a bit concerned about marketing, tho. As with most things, if you show 'interest' in a, er... subject, you get targeted marketing materials/junk mail. That'll be fun.