Friday, February 24, 2012

Don't Mess With Florox

"Parents aren't interested in justice.  They want QUIET." -Bill Cosby

This happened a few weeks ago, way back in the Precarolinian era.

If you didn't know, Jack is five kinds of sneaky.  He's a sweet kid, but when he wants something, he will float around and strike when no one is looking.  The guy just oozes secretive and crafty.

I guess most people value their privacy in the john, and Jack does, too.  The difference is, we're all fairly capable of cleaning up after ourselves, in general.  Mostly.  Jack's working on that, but he's not quite there.

The backdrop to almost everything happening in Jacktopia now is control.  Little kids want control, so they grab whatever they've got at the time.  Doesn't matter what.  "Oh, Mommy, so you NEED me to eat this yogurt?  WELL FORGET IT."

So now to the bottom of it.  No, the actual bottom.  His actual bottom.  We've still gotta help the dude out in the post-toxic waste cleanup phase with a wipe or twelve.  They're sensitive skin wipes, because he inherited the world's most fair, easily offended, pasty white English sissy skin ever.  From somebody.  Using anything else other than the sensitive wipes makes his bum glow like the neon VACANCY sign outside a motel.  Fine, no sweat.  All in a day's work.  But Jack wants - say it with me now - control... Still with me?

Majesty left him to his own devices to do his bidness.  Left him about 5 minutes.  (In Mischievous Little Boy Time, that's enough time to finance, organize and execute a military coup.)  When she checks in on him, he's just about to start hoisting those little pants right up...
H.M.:  Wait, Jack!  Don't pull up your pants; I haven't wiped your bottom yet!
Proud Jack: Mommy, I wiped my bottom!
Extremely Suspicious H.M.:  You did?  What did you wipe with?
Still Incredibly Proud Jack:  Florox wipes!
Florox.  You may say to yourself, as I did, "Say, Florox sure does rhyme well with Clorox."

Sure enough, that sucker had gotten out the Clorox kill-any-germ-on-the-planet-stone-dead Assault Wipes rather than the Pampers my-rear-end-is-as-sensitive-as-an-orchid Self Esteem Building Wipes.  He had gone to town.  His rump looked like it had weathered a Communist Revolution.

Some time back, I noticed that there was one of those silly legal disclaimers on the can that says they're NOT TO BE USED AS BABY WIPES.  I thought of the foolish first-time parent dad that lawyered up to get that on the package.  Was he changing the baby out in his shop?  Under the kitchen sink?

Majestad asked Jack this week what he'll do if Caroline spits up on him.
I will put her in time out!
Won't work, kid.  I've tried it.  "E" for effort.

Caroline remains a great, easy baby.  She just lounges around bending me to her will.  Let's hope that sticks.  Somebody told us, "You guys earned it."  Dang straight we did.  She sleeps all but about 2 hours a day, wakes up 2 times a night to nurse and goes right back to sleep.  HATES a wet diaper - hey, who doesn't - and really enjoys her crib mobile - again, who doesn't.

Anyway, big brother is doing great with her too, and loves to hold her and sing to her and kiss her and almost clobber her accidentally with guitar stands and toys and small white chairs.  The usual stuff.

But with the good big brother act comes...  The weird big brother act.  We catch Jack up at all hours of the night, now.  One night he was up trying to play for two hours.  He wakes everyone up with unannounced visits and spontaneous conversation.  One time we found him in Caroline's closet.  Her closet.  (Bit stalkerish.)  The real tragedy being that this was the one and only night that Girly Girl slept 5.5 hours.

Majesty caught The Dude in the bed with Caroline.  I mean, it's like the Green Giant taking over Thumbelina's crib.  After H.M. got him out of there, she asked what he thought he was doing:
I sword fighted her!
Of course you did.  And this is how parents get themselves arrested in the E.R. for child abuse.  NO OFFICER, I'M TELLING YOU HE SWORDFIGHTED HER!  NO, NO, DON'T TAZE ME!


Jennifer said...

Such a sweet video! Glad you posted an update. Sorry to hear about the Florox.

Roxanne said...

Single most hilarious thing I've read in the past week. Seriously, dude.

"Sure enough, that sucker had gotten out the Clorox kill-any-germ-on-the-planet-stone-dead Assault Wipes rather than the Pampers my-rear-end-is-as-sensitive-as-an-orchid Self Esteem Building Wipes. He had gone to town. His rump looked like it had weathered a Communist Revolution."

El Comodoro said...

Thanks, Roxanne. We do try.

But it helps when the animals in the zoo put on a show worth recording in print.