Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Christmas Tree Assembly: A Primer

 Listen up.  There are three ways to put up a Christmas tree.

Method 1:  Drive down to a dodgy looking parking lot (or quaint-ish Christmas tree farm type place, if you're into that sort of thing).  Pick your picturesque victim.  To keep the ever loving peace, you then walk over and cut down the other terrible looking lopsided tree everybody else decided on without you.  The abominable thing is tied with shoelaces to the roof of your ride, and off you go.  You stick that sucker in a wobbly metal contraption that holds some water and you're all set.   

Total time elapsed:  2 hours, 48 minutes.

Method 2:  Head out to your storage place and drag the massive, 187 lb cardboard box (cardboard with durability similar to 1,900 year-old papyrus) up/down into the living room.  Remove the dead bugs.  Kill all the living ones.  Set the three pieces together on the unsure tripod (no water bowl).  Spend 45 minutes plugging the thing in.  Burn 3 hours, 25 minutes finding which strand is busted.  Spend 15 minutes locating where the fouryearold put the spare bulbs and fuses.  Threaten fouryearold repeatedly.  Give up and swing the unlit part to the back of the room, so that every one of your back yard neighbors can see you're too cheap and inept to stick up a functioning Christmas tree.

Total time elapsed:  6 hours, 27 minutes.

Method 3:  I had not heard of this one before about 15 minutes ago, but hey, it takes all kinds to make the world go 'round.  Okay, find every single thing you own in this world, including a mask and a cape.  Put on the mask and cape.  Locate an out-of-the-way corner in your house.  Pile every gall-darned single piece of stuff up in an imposing pile.  Clothes.  Toys.  Containers.  Baskets.  Old plastic popcorn buckets.  Stuffed animals.  Dirty Underoos.  Whatever you got, man.  It goes in.  Top it off with a fireman hat.  Declare to all, "IT'S A CWRISTMUS TRWEE!"  Pose for picture.   

Total time elapsed:  11 minutes.



Jennifer said...


You guys are doing better than we are. We didn't even attempt to put up a Christmas Tree.

El Comodoro said...

Ah, don't feel bad. You do what you can do at the time.

I'm reminded of a certain family's Festivus Tree in 2008 (post Hurricane Ike) for instance.

"I find tinsel distracting."

Bebe said...

Ok-just can't do anything but laugh!!!

Roxanne said...

HILARIOUS. That kid knows how to make do.